~Gothikka

Lately I've felt like I'm just coasting through life, maybe even moving backwards. Are you suppose to feel this way? I turn 18 in a couple weeks and I should be excited, but in reality, it scares the shit out of me. I have to figure out what I want to be, I have to figure out what to do with my life and I have no clue. I have to figure out myself. Sometimes I don't want to though, because Im afraid of what I see. A person who is lost, a person who trusts very few, a person who has passion for something and would love to pursue it, but doesn't think she's good enough. A person who is afraid to fail, and let others and herself down, mostly because she has done so much of that already. A person who only a couple months ago was on the track to finding herself and feeling good about her life, but just had to put herself out there and give him another chance, losing everything she had built up.



Im in college, I should be embracing freedom and excited that Im starting life, but am I really starting anything? I somewhat grasped an idea of what I would like to be and have a career as, but it almost seems petty. Let me explain: I want to learn how to design graphics for cars, be able to put them on the car, and be able to do all of the airbrushing etc. Then after I have worked in a body shop long enough and have enough experience, I would like to open my own customs shop doing custom bodywork, engine swaps and working on cars in general. Sounds reasonable right, I mean I love art and cars so it should be something I would enjoy doing.



Maybe it's because Im a woman, or that fact that I have shown interest in this that urges people to laugh in my face, but I'm really not quite sure. When you ask a counselor what this occupation is called, what school would be best fitting for acquiring this job, and how you could go about getting into this college, tech school, whatever, they're not suppose to look at you like you're stupid, laugh in your face, and tell you that maybe you should consider just getting a business degree…right? Or am I just weird…? How about when I call a local auto body shop asking about what programs and experience they require and what their professional title is so I may get a job doing the same and they say
"are you serious?" Yeah Im serious, I just felt like humbling myself and asking what I need to do to get a job for shits and giggles.



I hate it when people don't take me seriously…what's wrong with liking cars? Im tired of hearing "but you're a girl, get a girly job" "that's a mans job, no place for a girl" "you only do it for the guys" (believe me, men would be the last reason I would do it) or "you wouldn't make it" wanna bet? I bet I would be the best damn automotive design specialist there is BECAUSE Im a woman, not a girl, a woman. Women have a special eye for colors and design, I'll be the next pimp my ride or west coast customs biotch. I can still be a girly girl and like cars…



And guys, stop treating me like a damn booty call. Im sick of getting text messages at random hours of the day and night, "sup you wanna, you know" "hey I have a boner you should cum over" "wanna suck me off" wtf? Do I look like a whore to you? Just because Im single does not mean I am every guys booty call, so don't even try and don't continue to text me because if I ignore you, it's for a reason. You didn't get any ass from me in the first place and that's not changing. Im so sick of hearing and seeing sexual comments and gestures everywhere I go, even from some people I used to consider friends. It's ok to joke every once in a while, but it comes to a point where enough is enough. Im sick of feeling like a slut when I didn't even do anything. I just want to go take a shower a get all of this slime off of me. And people wonder why I have trust issues when it comes to men. Either they want a piece or ass or are a lying, drug abusing bastard.



Anyways, enough ranting for now, just some things I had to get off my chest. My life isn't horrible don't get me wrong, I have friends I cherish and good memories that make me smile, I have fun, and a loving family, I just usually don't let people see how I feel sometimes, mostly because I don't want to burden anyone. It's just sometimes I wish I could change things, as Im sure many people do. But I cant help but wonder how my life would have been different.